Blog of Magic Cheese

I'm unemployed right now.

I had a period of flailing panic, but one day I had an ephiphany. I want to share it with you!

It was a moment of perfect clarity as I sipped a cup of Irish breakfast tea with plenty of cream and brown sugar on MUNI. It was a rare sunny day in San Francisco, and I was so damn happy to be riding on the bus in the warm sun, sipping tea, and giving tourists directions. It was then that I had the revelation nothing matters, and I'm okay.

To explain, we are our own harshest critics. But even if every one of our secret fears is true- that we're incompetent, incapable, irresposible, worthless, and useless, it's okay. We're still here enjoying the sun, we still get to drink tea, and no one is able to help where he starts out in life. All we can do is try to figure out how to improve and learn.

What I've written is something you've probably read many times. It might sound trite, so allow me to explain: there are stages of understanding. There's a difference between being able to see a point of view, understanding something intellectually, appreciating something and believing it, and internalizing it so that it becomes part of you and colors everything you see a little bit from there on out.

I'm not sure exactly where I am in that comprehension process, but I jumped up a level that morning on the bus. Since then, I've been looking for a job and applying places, but also trying to make the most of my time off. I know when I'm employed I'll be at work most of my waking hours and I'll think of the things I wish I had more time for: drinking tea, reading books, drumming in Rock Band, enjoying the sun, roasting chickens, doing wushu, napping. I figure I will never look back on a time in my life and think, "Shit, why did I waste all that time making delicious food, practicing that martial art I love, and reading?"

So if you have any job leads, please let me know, since I have some contract work but no full time job lined up right now. This afternoon is dedicated to brewing darjeeling and trying to drum Everlong.