I really wish that people would stop telling me that my years of school will be the best years of my life and that I should appreciate them while I'm still here.
I feel a lot of anger when I am told that, because my years of college have been marked by a lot of frustration, rage, violent depression, failure, and occasional malnutrition.
Furthermore, I have a full time job now in addition to going to school, and in the past I've run out of money plenty of times and lived on rice for weeks and watched my muscles get cannibalized by my body while I lose strength and energy, and when I'm told that I'll appreciate my school years when I get out into the "real world" and have to work for a living, the fact that that admonishment makes no sense makes me even angrier.
I'm not angry at the people that tell me this. I know that it comes from intelligent people that really enjoyed their school years. I think that it comes from a love of learning, and that these folks miss the freedom to expand their minds and learn freely without so many of the daily troubles and responsibilities that they have now.
I just really wish they'd accept that this may not apply to people that do not fit in college.
Imagine, if you will, that college is a bag that comes with a lovely meal for some people, and a pile of poo for others.
"Oh! You have the paper bag! You had better appreciate that, because it'll be the best meal of your life."
"... my bag is full of crap."
"Oh, you say that now, but believe me, as the years pass you will realize that the food in there is the best food that one can possibly ever get."
"No, really, my bag is full of feces. Look."
"I remember my chicken parmagiana in my paper bag... it was so succulent, and tender. The tomatoes were hot and flavored with just the right herbs... savour every bite of that paper bag meal, young lady, because you'll miss it when it's gone."
"My bag is full of poo. Please do not tell me to eat poo."
"It's not poo, it's the best meal of your life. Believe me, once you're done and you're older and wiser, you'll realize that."
"I can smell the poo. Believe me, I'm the one holding the bag. It's full of poo. Smelly, inedible poo that will make me sick if I eat it. Stop telling me to eat it, because if you don't want me to get sick, that doesn't make sense."
"Best meal of your life. You'll understand when you get older."
I understand and admire people with lovely meals in their paper bags. Their lovely meals do not make it impossible for my bag to be full of shit.
I have always believed that life gets better as one ages, because one becomes wiser and changes. I had a lovely time in high school, learning and being surrounded by great people and friends, but when the time came for it to end and move on, I was ready for it. And as unhappy as I have been sometimes since then, I have never wanted to go back, because that would mean reversing the learning and the changes that I have picked up since then.
Now that getting enough food and shelter to survive is no longer so much of a challenge, we get to choose to live and what to live for. If my life is all downhill from here, I would choose not to continue living. I realize that this is a very arrogant thing to say and that I'm still very young and not at all wise, but it is honestly my belief at this point in my life. I do not want to go backwards. Sometimes the only thing that kept me motivated in the last few years was the belief that I, and by extension my life, would get better. Please stop telling me that my belief is silly and that I'll learn when I get older, people that loved university.
This is the first week of my life that I have wished I were not as I am. I am very tired.